I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
