the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
