Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
