I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
