actually, I'm a sock model
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
