Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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