She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
