I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
