I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
