Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
