homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
