Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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