Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
