im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
