I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize