im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
