she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
