Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
3pm strippers are depressing
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
