Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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