I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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