were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize