On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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