I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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