Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
