I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
time to smoke my breakfast
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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