listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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