Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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