I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
