I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
