my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
