I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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