I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
