The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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