You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
