so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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