I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
