At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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