If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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