***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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