Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
