my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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