eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
