theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
