You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
