at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize