U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm really busy with my period
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