he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize