I'm gonna have a badass scar
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
