so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
