i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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