my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
