why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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