i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
