so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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