Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
