I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
