On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
