So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
