This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
